.monsters.

A bit of a rambling commentary, and then confession, I think.

It is strange to me, how much of our lives our not based in reality. And not a philosophical or theological sort of debate of what reality is (though there are places were that is valid) I am speaking about the worlds and perceptions we create inside our heads, these things, whether founded in truth or not, that direct our choices and our emotions, and the way we treat people.  The mind is so much more powerful, beliefs and perceptions are so much more powerful, than we often think to give them credit for.

It is much like the child who is deathly afraid of a monster under the bed. It doesn't matter that in reality there is no monster under the bed or even that monsters don't really exist, it is the belief in the frightening monster that keeps him too terrified to go sleep.

Our society thrives on this-building false worlds, playing in the mind. On the large scale the entertainment media thrives on gossip, rumor, innuendo, turning humans into idols, and then taking great excitement in turning them into monsters. And we buy into it. and then eventually the rumors become the truths, because the so called idols by into it, too. Idols become monsters, and monsters become idols, and all the time goodness is crying out to be restored. And we do this in our everyday lives too. We create these false worlds in our heads-we read into things, be it personal encounters or observations from a distance, gossip, even facebook-we take these things that we may have little or no knowledge in truth of and project these things onto people. And in this we have the power to cheapen human life, ours included. A whole lot of humanity is desperate for the allowance to be known just as they are. there is so much beyond the surface of a person, even those we are close to, the capacity and range of depth and change within any one human, on any given day, is unquantifiable in it’s vastness. And it is easy for us to get caught up in our perceptions and own imaginations and projections, that we forget to ask the person, or even just allow the person the chance to be, who they really are.

I guess what I’m getting at there is an honesty of who people really are. And that real relationships to exist and continue, on any meaningful level require deep grace and a capacity for forgiveness because, in truth, we are-beyond all idolizing or demonizing-human.

I am human. And I am broken.

I have been hiding in a season of deep reflection, and I fear, deep regret.  And I have been thinking of how powerful the mind is that it can skew so much of reality. And I have been thinking of the power given to human beings to influence other human life, I turn inward and think of those I have influenced and what their perceptions of me were. On one end there were those people who treated me as an idol, put me on a pedestal (for whatever reasons) where I could do no wrong, even when I did. It doesn’t let you breathe very much when you can’t be broken, aren’t allowed to be broken, but you are broken. And then on the other end of the spectrum I think of those I never meant to hurt, of those who would see me to be more of a monster than angel, of those people I impacted in negative ways and so often hate myself for.

And as my heart and my head plea for the allowance to be human-in the same breath they ask deep forgiveness for being so.

Currently Ohio By Over the Rhine Long Lost Brother see related

.rock n' roll.

It is one of the most beautiful things, that even though your heart is heavy, when someone asks you to tell them where you've seen God being faithful lately and you can wholeheartly respond by asking "Well, how much time do you have?" because you have so many stories of how you've seen God working in your life.

As I reflect, I really have begun to see my life in seasons. Seasons of different things that I'm learning or experiencing-themes that run through certain times and transitions in my life, that in reflection, are very distinct in how I grew-how I was shaped. For a bit, when I entered into whatever season this is for my life, I thought it was a season of God's faithfulness but what I've gently realized is that it is my learning is the season, not God's faithfulness. God's faithfulness is like the ground-or as my friend Liv compared-like a tree, the solid and firm and ever constant thing that weathers and endures whatever season may bring. and goodness be, do I like that.

And I feel the need to clarify that I know God's faithfulness, His love, are a thing that extend beyond any circumstance we face. And I was always one of those people who was bothered by the idea of people who are in fortunate circumstance as being 'blessed', like God plays favorites and if he doesn't like you it's just too bad for you and your life will be miserable sort of thing. The unconditional love of Jesus on the cross cries out to me that God loves everybody and that in this broken world things, circumstances can be hard and often seemingly unfair but that does not negate that love-the love beyond condition or circumstance. What I am saying is that there is still good to be seen in the midst of this broken world, and I think that it is really important that when we see it, when we experience it-that we claim it as good and we claim it as God.

and we share so we don't forget.
and we share to bring hope to others.
and we share so we can remember during those seasons of emptyness that God still is faithful-that He has not forgotten us here on earth.

 and that perhaps one of the most beautiful things is to witness His tangible faithfulness through the selfless acts of other people in your life. in my life.

and i think that is all good. and i think that is beautiful.

goodness be.

p.s. this is not really related but it makes my heart so ridiculously happy. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8

.good.day.

I took my grandpa to get his cancer treatment the other afternoon. All of the patients sit in recliners along a wall while they are hooked up to their medicine. As we were watching I Dream of Jeannie, I got to chatting with the middle-aged lady in the chair beside my grandpa's. She shared that she had been there since 8 that morning and it was then 4 in the afternoon as she was just finishing up and that she would have to come back the next day for a shorter treatment. In spite of that throughout my conversation with her and listening to her talk to the nurses, she said over and over that it had been a 'good day', a long day but a good day.

and she spoke 'good day' with the authority of those people who had surely experienced enough truly hard, bad days to realize that sometimes having a 'good day' is a matter of choice instead of circumstance.

and though she didn't know it, she very much inspired me. her determination of seeing the good when she was weary and in pain.

sometimes, it seems this world likes to numb us, to keep us so busy and moving and almost feeling helpless in the grand scheme of things that we forget, that in as much as life throws curveballs and many things really are out of our control, sometimes we actively need to take part, to engage in this day. sometimes, life is a matter of choosing to love, choosing to feel, choosing to trust, choosing to hope, choosing to die to ourselves...

and sometimes even just choosing to have a 'good day'.

I hope you have a good day.
Embrace it,
Mags

.morning.

today, i mourned.
and i don't know why today, or why i tell you this. whoever you are.
but today i mourned.
i mourned over loss. the loss of people, and time, and dreams and ideals, and memories, and the good things that have been taken away. and cried over the brokenness in this world. and hurting for the broken people. and hurting with God and for Him and too, wondering where He is sometimes in all the pain i see.

sometimes, we need to mourn. to know that it is okay to grieve.
to grieve over whatever causes you pain. whatever breaks you.

it's okay.
really. you (whoever you are) don't always have to be so strong.
it's okay to feel. to be weak. to cry.

things are not as they were meant to be. and that deserves some kind of compassion, empathy, something.  

i read somewhere that 'a broken heart can contain the whole world'.
and you really need to know it's okay and you aren't alone.

now, we can't live in this always, for burdened shoulders are hindered in reaching out. and if we trust God, we trust that He is big enough to handle these things. that there is still good to be enjoyed and even fought for.

but in our willingness to be weak, to be broken, I think we will find much more in common with God than we realize. that He mourns with us. He collects our tears. He is thisclose, even when you feel completely alone.

and it's strange but i hope you find comfort in that. whoever you are.

i'm trying, too.

joy comes in the morning.

embrace today, in whatever that needs to look like for today.
maggie

Currently Christmas With the Tallis Scholars see related

.soles.

Over Christmas break, my gramma came home after being in a nursing home for a month doing rehab after breaking bones in her pelvis. i helped bring her home and one time when i was over visiting  she asked me to help her get her shoes on because she could quite yet bend down all the way. i smiled to myself because i remembered when we were younger, gramma always used to help us get our shoes on as we were getting ready to leave. we would sit in the chair by the door and she would sacrifice her thumbs between our feet and holding up the back of the heel, trying to help the impatient little ones step into shoes that always seemed to be too tight for us to get on ourselves.

Much of my childhood was spent at my grandparents, they lived right across the road from us, so we were there whenever my parents were at work. During the summers at gramma's, my days were filled with PBS, coloring, picking black berries, playing a made-up version of three player badmitton, and imaginative journeys to the basement. my favorite memories were probably of warm summer evenings in their front yard, catching fireflies with gramma to the sound track of crickets and the crackling noise of the baseball games that grandpa would be listening to on the radio.

those airy memories seem to be a contrast to where i find myself now, in transition to some direction of a 'grown-up' sort of  life i am just beginning to learn about and feeling often ill-equipt for. decisions i make, seem to have such weight, and i feel very aware that i am actively writing now, what will one day make up my past. while i realize they are not the end, things like choosing a job or place to live or what relationships you find yourself in, all seem to gain magnitude in the grand scheme of life. you realize one 'yes' can equal a thousand no's and how there is so much uncertainty. sometimes that responsiblity can be really overwhelming.

But in spite of all of that, i wonder if and i am trying to take heart,  in as much as these 'big' decisions give direction for your life, you find that life is actually made up of the everyday things. that the journey of life is infact made up of little steps and that God is to be found everywhere, maybe even moreso in the 'inbetween'. and maybe in being reminded of this you begin to take time to find the magic that can hide within the mundane, the beauty of the little things that season themselves into those memories that become treasured, like those memories of chasing fireflies...

while i have no idea what my future holds, i wonder if maybe somewhere far down the road, yet (as time always seems to slip away without you realizing it) probably far sooner than i anticipate, i will find myself helping my squirming grandchild with over-sized, precious moments eyes step into their little shoes...

and maybe just a little past that, i will find myself being the one in need of having my shoes tied by them. and in the roles reversing I will smile to myself, graced to see all things come full circle.

embrace today,
maggie